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The Day After

My memories of waking up after the surgery are more like snapshots. I remember the brightness of the operating room. I remember the nurse handing Owen to me, and I can barely remember seeing him for the first time. I remember another nurse showing me that there was a knot in the umbilical cord. I remember Jamie coming into the room.

I remember a little bit more from the recovery room - Jamie sleeping in the chair next to me, Owen laying in the bassinet over near the windows... It was the middle of the night. I kept waking up every few hours - possibly because doctors or nurses were checking on me. I remember the nurse telling me they were going to bring Owen down to the morgue, but to let her know whenever I wanted to see him and they would bring him back. The night seemed to last forever.

Owen was in the room with us for quite some time. I still wish I had brought Owen over to Sharon more during that time so that she could see him and bond with him. When I was lying in the chair I'd open my eyes now and then and look up to see him and just sort of stare at him. The time had come when they had to wheel Owen out of the room and take him to the morgue. We were both just sort of in and out of sleep until the morning came.

Finally it was morning. We were brought into a new room. Everything seemed so surreal. We turned on the television to bring in a little of the outside world. I remember Jamie asking me if I wanted the nurse to bring Owen up so I could hold him. It took a little while because he had to be signed out of the morgue and brought up by security.

I could barely see him through my tears. He was swaddled in a receiving blanket and had a little knit hat on his head. Under his hat he had a head full of dark hair, just like I did when I was a baby. He also had my ears, with barely any lobes. His eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful. The hat he was wearing was a different hat from the one he wore when I first held him. It was so wonderful to see him again. It was so painful to see Sharon crying.

We unwrapped him so we could look at him closely. He was so beautiful! But he was also cold from being in the morgue. How I wish I could remember what he felt like when he was still warm from being inside of me! This is why I regret not being more aware and bringing Owen to Sharon when we were in the PACU. It was hard to deal with holding my son when he was as cold as he was.

Owen had long, long fingers and huge feet! There's no doubt he would have been tall like his father! Or Taller!! Yikes!! His fingernails and toenails were shaped like mine though. I smiled through my tears, and I watched some of them fall and land on his cheek and his chest.

Jamie and I cried and held on to each other as we looked down at our innocent little baby who did not deserve this. He was a real baby! He was ready to be born! How could he have died?! Why did this have to happen? Oh how I wished there was something we could do...

We returned Owen to the morgue and fell back to sleep.

When there was down time, I would sneak out of the room and go to the waiting room to talk with my family. Reverend Ruth from my church was there to comfort me and Sharon, and so that we could talk about baptizing Owen. The hospital had been so generous and brought a tray of food and drink for my family to snack on. There was some left for me, but I didn't really want it at that time. Again, it was so nice to have my family there to talk to.

In the back of my mind though, I did feel a little guilty because there I was getting a break from things, and I left Sharon alone in the room with just the nurse. After some time, we made plans about what was going to happen during the next few days while we were in the hospital. Deb and Richie offered to go to our house and get some more clothing for me, because I hadn't prepared to be in the hospital for that long. I also needed something nice to wear for the baptism, because I wanted to look a litte nicer for that special time.

Eventually the nurse came in to see me, and it was time for me to stand up for the first time after the surgery. I was nervous because I didn't know how painful it would be. I kept reminding myself that the more I was able to get up and move, the easier the recovery would be. I eased my legs to the side of the bed so I was sitting, and the nurse held onto me as I slowly stood on them. They felt so weak, and my belly was sore, but it wasn't as bad as I feared.

To see Sharon walk on her own to the bathroom blew both me and the nurse away. The nurse even commented to me about how amazing it was for her to do that after such a major surgery. She just walked to the bathroom all on her own. She even took a shower on her own. I did help her at first, but she pretty much did it by herself. She is just an amazing woman!

Everything about my recovery was amazing. I was standing and walking without assistance in no time. My blood pressure was once again back to normal. I kept wondering why my body betrayed me before, and why my baby had to die, especially if I was able to be so strong now. We would take walks around the maternity to get her the exercise she needed to recover faster. It was slow and steady but it was so good for her to do this.